Dear big brands…

Dear big brand,

I am a consumer. I am offended by your ad. Please reply to me and tell me what I want to hear. If you don’t, I will blog about you, I will bad-mouth you, I will get all my friends to tweet out things with nasty hashtags on twitter like #bigbrandfail. I will get the people at the New York Times to notice me on a Saturday morning because that is when news is slowest and you are most vulnerable. I am a consumer with extra time and technology on my hands. Hear me roar.

Oh, brother.

Ask Target Stores or Motrin or Amazon how they felt the the “sting” of one offended blogger and how they used technology to “fight back.” I predict Burger King will be next this Saturday with their square butts commercials running. If not this weekend, the next. It is just a matter of time, King! That dirty dancing with those square butts, think of all the children you are scarring! The mommybloggers are assembling in their coven even as we speak.

Of the three people reading this article right now, one is offended and is thinking about doing something really ugly, like tweeting out all his friends that DogWalkBlog is linking to offensive commercials and referring to motherhood in a derogatory tone. Go on, I won’t stop you. But, for the majority of you (the other two) you might stop and think about how this “cyber-terrorist” behavior is affecting our culture. Oops, I editorialized. And, yes, it will probably happen again.

The commerical Motrin ran was successful in part because it exposed a layer of truth in our culture; that there are women for whom their children are fashion. I know a few of these women and I’m about as Middle America as you can get. I can only imagine how many of these women are living on the coasts, peeking around every corner and hiding the shame of their secret. Yeah, they’re there. Motrin ain’t that dumb. And neither are you, reader!

Target is a “hot, young, sexy” brand. They know it. The woman in the bulls-eye making a snow angel reinforces that. It is consistent with their target customer (no pun intended, really.) And Amazon probably just got really, really tired of paying for all the Google clicks on keywords “sex” and “lesbian” when the books titles they are selling has nothing at all to do with what the end-user was searching for. It is a Google problem, not an Amazon one. Google needs to be able to allow advertisers to make a distinction between sex=book title and/or research subject and sex=pornography. Should not be hard, I hear Google folks are pretty smart. But, what’s in it for them? Nothing. Amazon gets dinged by bloggers and Twits while Google skates.

Big brand, please quit caving. Your ads are hitting your target market. Right now, there are young boys all over this country, shopping Target Stores because of the hint of sexy you put in your ad. That and your customer service policy is great, your selection of goods superb and you pretty much have what I want, when I want it. Besides, shopping at Walmart makes me feel below average in social status and intellect. You get that about me.

Motrin’s sales did not suffer at all and may have even increased market share to men who have secretly had enough of mommyblogging terrorism and now will ONLY buy Motrin is a show of solidarity. (sorry Tylenol, you should be more bold.)

Amazon, you already had my heart forever when you agreed to take back a Sony digital camera in 2005 when it failed to live up to its marketing, even though it was past the 90 day mark and it really wasn’t your fault. I don’t buy books anywhere else. And, when I need to buy something non-book, I check to make sure you have it first.

And Burger King, when the bloggers and Twits come after you stand strong. Run more of the King. And I’ll be the first in line for a “Whopper double-beef” even though my local BK’s shake machine is always broken and I swore I would never eat there again.

Yet, the “blogosphere,” New York Times, AdAge, WSJ, etc all write the stories as if it was a David and Goliath confrontation when it is no more than a few malcontents who wish the culture they lived in were something different, the truths they have created for themselves are somehow impervious to change and that they alone are charged with righting the wrongs perpetrated by big, bad corporations misusing their power.

The truth is, big brands want to sell stuff and they can’t sell stuff to an audience they don’t have, even one who is a wee bit scared of being harangued by an over-zealous, delusional online world.

Now, go ahead, kick this dog below. I dare you. Make me famous.