Eric Holder and President Obama are taking a lot of flack on their decision to try the 9/11 terrorists in New York, just a few blocks away from the former World Trade Center. A lot of the angst and anxiety is centered around making the country less safe, endangering New York unnecessarily and making New Yorkers re-live the tragedy of 9/11. And that whole Constitutional rights argument, but that is probably a comparatively minor thing.
Since it seems inevitable that we will have the terrorists trials in the United States, I say move the venue to Dayton, Ohio! Here is my short list of reasons why:
Nobody outside the United States knows where Dayton is
Every time I travel to Europe, people think I’m from Daytona Beach, Florida. Imagine the frustration of any would-be terrorist making plans to disrupt the trials going on in Daytona Beach only to find out months later, he was on the wrong side of the country. While Dayton, Ohio is entirely obscure outside of the United States, only 2 in 10 school children in America know where Ohio is and only .0001% of them can accurately identify Dayton on a map. Thanks to our public education system, the only point of distinction Ohio has with school children is our funny shaped flag.
A large jury pool
We have a ton of unemployed people just milling around all day with nowhere to go and nothing to do. I say, put them to work on a jury! Moreover, most people who live in Dayton have never been to New York so there is little jury bias to worry about. We’re also so desperate for jobs that we ignored all the morality of gambling in the latest election and we’re building casinos. Well, not in Dayton, but close by.
It’s safe here
Unlike New York, there are no tall buildings to knock down (not occupied ones), no tunnels to sabotage, no coastline to protect and only one airport with the meanest, most unhappy TSA agents on the entire planet who will make darn sure whether or not you are a terrorist, you will be treated like one. Just in case. In fact, you can close down the entire downtown Dayton for as long as the trials last and nobody would even notice except a few government employees who work in traffic court.
Moreover, Ohio also allows concealed weapons, so the chances the guy standing next to you is packing is pretty high. If any alleged terrorist were to get loose, he wouldn’t really get very far nor would he be very successful taking someone hostage. A .357 Magnum has a lot of stopping power.
We will save the Federal Government a lot of money
What does an average hamburger cost in Manhattan, $23.50? In Dayton, you can get that same hamburger of $.27. The legal teams can stay down the street at the Doubletree hotel for a fraction of what hotels cost in New York and the Montgomery County sheriff’s jail in just a few blocks away from the Federal Courthouse. There would be no cab fares to pay and no doormen to tip. Since many of our banks have merged with larger banks, there is probably also a glut of armored trucks just sitting around rusting out that could be put to good use transporting the alleged terrorists. And while we are cheaper to host than New York, we could sure use the economic shot in the arm a lengthy trial would give. Could you pay in advance, though?
The teams would also be motivated to keep the trial moving as being in Dayton is pretty darn boring. They may even want to work Saturdays and Sundays and a lot of time-wasting motions would not even be considered as it would hold up the exodus from our fair city.
This post was a bit tongue-in-cheek, but seriously, folks, we have all this infrastructure in Pro-America parts of this country that isn’t being put to its maximum use. Dayton is home to the largest pool of inventors that made possible controlled powered flight, the electric car starter, the pop-top can, the computer search engine and the cash register. Somebody in Dayton probably invented the gavel, but that is as yet unproven. There are no lemons; just lemonade waiting to be made. Squeeze here.
As we are not about to see the end of terrorists or trials, surely given enough duct tape and a few hours of engineering time, the crack inventors who live here will be able come up with a fool-proof plan to invent a terrorist-trial system that can be used anywhere else in this country in the future.
Like Kitty Hawk, NC. They’ve been stealing our Wright Brothers thunder for years. They’ll probably eventually want a piece of this as well.