Politics shut down Minnesota, but beer brought it back

Politics may have shut down the State of Minnesota, but the threat of having no beer brought it back pretty quickly. The only thing more dangerous than a drunk Minnesotan camping out in a tent in the wood is a sober Minnesotan who has no place to go.

Oh, settle down folks, I’m not ripping on Minnesotans. I is a proud native so it’s more self-depracating than anything. At least that is the one thing that is still not taxable.

DFL Gov. Mark Dayton and GOP legislative leaders announced yesterday evening they have reached a budget deal to end a two-week government shutdown. Both sides didn’t get what they wanted, each side will claim the other has caved, the voters have spoken, blah, blah, blah. I read through.. ok, well I skimmed through the majority of the … ok, I skimmed the first line of each comment on the blog post and most talked about the political crap that surrounded the fight.

It was really all about the beer.

But the GOP will use this “success” with other states and shut them down as well to get what they want passed. The voting public will become really fed up with the tactic eventually and the pitchforks will come out. In the meantime, it will be entertaining to watch supposed fully-formed adults run our government like they are negotiating playtime with the brightly-colored alphabet blocks in kindergarten.

The rest of us know government shutdowns don’t work because it is not really shutting the government down. It is a bunch of chickenhawks playing pretend freedom fighter on a fake battlefield. Here is what a real government shutdown would look like.

  • Close all the state highways and freeways
  • Open the doors to the prisons and penitentiaries and let the prisoners go. No guards need show show up for work.
  • Close all the gas pumps and convenience stores as there is no agency with taxation authority to collect taxes on alcohol, fuel or cigarettes.
  • Lay off the highway patrol.
  • Cease salary and benefits to ALL state employees, including the governor, legislators and judges.
  • Close the state courts. Counties and cites are ok, but no state courts.
  • Cease enforcing all state laws.
  • Cease collecting all state taxes. Any taxes owed during the shutdown are automatically forgiven.
  • Close ALL state departments, including the BMV, Attorney General’s Office, etc.
  • Close all the schools.

You get the idea.

If anyone is going to irresponsibly shut down a state, they should be prepared to have ALL state services deemed non-essential, not just the artsy-fartsy ones. By reserving things like law enforcement, roads and penal systems as “essential,” we are admitting we need government by default. By not shutting everything down, we are just faking it. By deeming some services non-essential, we are creating a dual class of citizens; those who matter and those who don’t. (GOP, take notice that the beer-drinking, hard-working, unwashed masses kinda matter here.)

The next governor — Democrat or Republican — who gets threatened by a shutdown should call the bluff. Shut down the roads, open the prisons and suspend lawmakers salaries. We’ll see how far this shutdown strategy takes us.

If you’re going to rattle your saber, you damn well better know how to use it. Or be prepared to die trying.