Open letter to the people who will eventually buy my house

Dear people who want to buy my house;

Thank you for your interest in taking over the landlord responsibilities of this property I have held for almost thirty years. It has been quite a ride. But before we begin to sully our new-found relationship with talk of money and such, there are a few things you should probably know.

I know that you know I know that you have most likely grown up watching HGTV. You don’t look old enough to have lived in any other age before cable TV dominated the airwaves. If you have not been made aware by now, everything they have ever told you about buying a house is a lie. It has all been made up for the sake of attracting sponsors and advertisers whose only goal was to sell you more crap to improve your home. Oh, it’s ok, I believed the lies for a while too as you will soon discover the do-it-yourself projects I have embarked on throughout the house.

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You’re still gonna need a horse to make that plough work

The year is 1837 and a farmer was all giddy about the new John Deere steel plough he just bought. It was a lot lighter than his old piece of crap iron plough. Since his back was starting to hurt as he was getting older, he was happy that the lightweight steel plough would take less effort and a lot less room to store in his barn.

And just as after he signed all the paperwork for the finance plan, the replacement insurance and the optional Telflon* undercoating, the salesman turned to him and said, “You know, you’ll still need a horse to make that plough work.”

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Obama uses a MacBook Pro?

What Obama's first day photo should have looked like
What Obama's first day photo should have looked like

This photo appeared in the Wall Street Journal and the NY Times. Probably others. Thanks Pete Souza, Official White House Photographer. I’m not sure if we can use these photos. Do tax dollars pay for the official White House photographer? Pretty sure someone will slap my paw if I’m wrong. 😉

Why do we keep eating?

Why do we eat? The simple answer would be that if we did not eat, we would die. But that is not entirely true. Science can provide us with a pill we can take that would provide exactly the nutrition we need — no more, no less — to keep our bodies healthy. Yet, we resist the notion that a pill, taken three time a day, would replace daily meals.

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Seriously, Mr. President…

Yesterday, I got a letter from Montgomery County in Ohio that my home has been appraised for an additional $10,000 over last year. Seriously???

From Bush’s speech last night:

I also understand the frustration of responsible Americans who pay their mortgages on time, file their tax returns every April 15th, and are reluctant to pay the cost of excesses on Wall Street.

Do you really? Do you know what it is like to KNOW your house is actually worth $30,000 less than it was last year because of what you can sell it for and knowing deep in your heart that you probably can’t sell it at any price because there are no qualified buyers in the highest foreclosure rate county in Ohio? Yet, the county increases the appraisal value because that is how it makes money. It is a constant, vicious cycle that you probably have never known and never will.

Please quit talking, Mr. President. Please, just quit talking.

Scott McClellan from a dog’s point of view

There is a lot of talk about Scott McClellan’s new book. Comments from it range of “now, we know the truth” to “he is bitter” to … oh, who really cares. Just everyone shut up already. If you want, buy and read the book, if not, just quit talking like you know anything.

Here is the canine take on what really happened in the White House and is best illustrated by the fable, The Emperor’s New Clothes, written by Hans Christian Andersen in 1837, 171 years ago! Amazing we knew so much about humanity back then and still we don’t pay attention. Kids, stay in school, crack a book!

For anyone under 40ish, here is the synopsis from Wikipedia,

An emperor who cares too much about clothes hires two swindlers who promise him the finest suit of clothes from the most beautiful cloth. This cloth, they tell him, is invisible to anyone who was either stupid or unfit for his position. The Emperor cannot see the (non-existent) cloth, but pretends that he can for fear of appearing stupid; his ministers do the same. When the swindlers report that the suit is finished, they dress him in mime. The Emperor then goes on a procession through the capital show off his new “clothes”. During the course of the procession, a small child cries out, “But he has nothing on!” The crowd realizes the child is telling the truth and begins laughing. The Emperor, however, holds his head high and continues the procession.

But, this is a fairy tale, so the emperor had to be the laughing stock. But, here is what would have happened if this were a true story.

Royal guards would burst out of the royal procession and beat the kid to death in a bloody attack, in full public view. Then, they would have arrested the kid’s family, beating them the entire way to the dungeon, where they would have been tortured and held without a lawyer indefinitely. Do you think the crowd would keep laughing? Do you think the crowd would turn on the royal guards and administer mob justice? Probably not. They would have kept their heads down, waved like they meant it and worked on trying to get out of the parade and go home as quickly as possible.

A lot of royal guards burst out of the royal procession after 9/11. And the crowd did not stop them and did not speak up. The few who did were beaten back like a bratty little kid. And deep in their hearts, the crowd knew this was wrong, yet kept silent because they didn’t want to get beaten and they didn’t want to get hauled off. (Bill O’Reilly, if you are reading this, this is a METAPHOR for what happened, not a literal representation. You use a lot of big words at the end of your show to describe how folks should write you. Can you say metaphor?)

For the people who are saying “If Scott felt this way, he should have spoken up sooner, not write a book later.” Hmmm…. 171 years ago, Andersen knew this. I think what Scott did was kept his head down, waved and tried to figure out how to get home as quickly as possible. Then, when he was safe, he cried out “The emperor is wearing no clothes.” But, the royal guards came after him anyway. And probably will for a very long time.

Please read, then speak. In that order. Start here.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg??? I have the answer.


Which came first, the chicken or the egg… I HAVE the answer to that eternal question and it is the form of a story. Ready??

About 5 years ago, I flew in and out of CIncinnati for a puppy conference and a friend of mind came to pick me up from the airport on a Sunday morning. Being a good friend back, I treated him to breakfast and we stopped off at a Waffle House. We are sitting at the counter and the waitress came over, asked us what we wanted.

I said “What is good today?”

She says, “We have a chicken and egg special.”

So, I asked, “Which comes first?”

To which she replied, “They come together on the same plate.”

Hmmm.. so, the answer is “They both came together.”

So, when faced with a decision on which to make first, the chicken or the egg, make them both and keep them together on the same plate.

Colors of the Union

I watched the State of the Union last night.. mostly what I heard was that voice that Charlie Brown hears whenever the teacher talks, so I drifted off quite a bit and started looking at other things.. Here is what I noticed:

Dick Chaney was wearing a purple tie… but not a REAL purple tie; i was more red than blue. Is that a small concession or a little private joke from Lynn, who you know dressed him. I vote it is a private joke. *chuckle*

President Bush was wearing a blue tie, but not a REAL blue tie.. a light blue tie. Can you say “I acknowledge blue, but I’m not going to commit to the full, rich, deep color blue”? And, when was the last time you saw a Democrat wearing a light red tie… oops, that would be pink and I think Donald Trump already has the trademark on that.

Now, here is the most interesting thing and I’m surprised nobody has commented on this yet. Laura Bush was in BRIGHT FRICKIN’ FIRE-ENGINE RED from head to toe! While her husband was saying conciliatory things to the Democratic Majority, she was screaming from the balcony, “WE STILL HAVE THE WHITE HOUSE!! CHOKE ON THAT!” 🙂 Well, maybe she wasn’t saying those exact words, but her suit sure was!

They say dogs are color blind, but we’re not really. We just tell you humans we are because it is fun to notice these things. Most of what you SAY isn’t all that interesting. But, you sure do scream what you really mean to say by the way you dress.

Take a tip from us dogs: Go around naked and let your parts hang out. That is the only way people can really see the real you. Or, maybe you don’t want that. So, everybody buy grey suits and ties. Then you can really pull off the lies. Or put the HDTV industry out of business by going back to B&W. I have a date at Tim’s. gotta go!